He smiled at me, his expression seems to be vague, colorless, like seeing through a water splashed glass, I love his smile, he said something, I did not hear what he say, I felt like I am deaf partially, I tried to express a coordination to his smile acknowledging…someone shook me violently, I was withdrawn from the depth of the partial echoing deep slumber. I am not disturbed !!, this is not the first time I dream, since these four years after the untimely death of Fred, almost two days a month I dream Fred speaking to me, I never felt he was dead, I did not cried either, I don’t understand me ! why I did not cry ? till now I did not feel he left me.
Fred worked for a State Insurance company as a grade 2 officer, he won the job after writing an exam consequently followed by an interview. How I met Fred, how I befriended him and all is a different story, I met him in the street, like falling in love at first sight, I fell in his love at first sight! Our acquaintance grew to a rooted friendship in a couple of weeks, months & years rolled over.
Fred’s father was a dutiful gentleman, was working with the state government’s employment department, he was born for Irish woman bred with a Tamil guy, they loved while working with the missionary. His mom was a middle school teacher, he got a younger sister, and she was married later to a guy working with a Middle East oil company and got settled over in Middle East. Unlike me Fred didn’t have dreams that traveled to space and earth, he got a job with the Insurance company settled down permanently waiting to get married. He fell in love with a pious religious pretty Hindu girl, she too had a tremendous crush for him.
At that time I didn’t believe in love, its consequence, and if it’s negative I felt I need to safe guard my friend getting into bitter experience, I strongly suggested not to get into any relationship, he was a soft guy, wouldn’t tackle or tolerate any mistakes. But he was an adamant, he persisted to go on with that girl, he proposed her, she too accepted then they two went as free love birds having the winter to bloom fragrant flowers.
Life is not easy to some people unlike most of the rest, and to the people who are good life seems to be impartial in all the ways. When a person settle down in life & the expectation with the married companion does not go well, the whole thing goes down like a roller coaster which is irreparable. Relationship is like a milk when it gets disrupt it goes wasted, decayed milk won’t serve you better, of course love relationship is the same, but you can redeem, retrieve, out of extreme patience and love, love the only mantra which would save your relationship. Fred's mom was a public school teacher, a typical teacher who wants her students to be disciplined, of course a teacher at home, student? her husband, her desire to discipline her husband went on vain.
Fred’s father got to the habit of drinking by the people expecting favors, since he was not into getting bribes, people needed favors only way out was getting him a drunkard, they made him a drunkard, he used to come home almost in a unconscious stage, boozed heavily, he wouldn’t even have food in the nights being drunk heavily. His attitude caused bitterness in family life and that too made him to get to another shoulder of his colleague, a shoulder to bear, an outlet for his frustrations. Sometimes I ponder I might have helped him out getting out of the dreaded habit, such a gentle man he is, neither an arrogant, nor an adamant.
Fred was particularly worried about his father, drinking, having concubine, that's what he referred to his relationship with his colleague, but he never opened up the depth of his dismay, he was a person who took its a flaw to his image, ego, seriously it did harm to his prestige. It was a day time probably it was a forenoon, Fred called me up,
Fred: I went to her home
Me: Where?
Fred: her home
Me: oh is it ?
Fred: she says they both got married
Me: oh!!
Fred: its disgusting
Me: hmm
I found he has lost his patience, he was caught in a turmoil, he was silent, his silence hurt me lot, I assumed he would get used to, Fred never drunk before, he used to drink beer on occasions, I found he was slipping into the habit of drinking, but still I thought he does it occasionally, I believed his love for Lathika would turn him giving him solace in her shoulders. Years rolled over Fred was caught completely in the clutches of alcohol, always he came drunk when he returned home like his father, I used to drink with him rarely but I heard he would continue drinking after I leave.
Fred's way of expressing emotions is quite different, he was fancying Lathika for months, he met her at home, accused her of loving him as informed by few of his friends, Lathika was slightly taken aback, she did not expect Fred would fire upon her accusing she loves him, she gathered courage, asked him if he really likes her or not, Fred took time to reply her back saying he too love her! Fred gave me a new perception of how to handle difficult situations where emotion is a part of our life.
I never knew his addiction towards alcohol is going to cost his life, he fought with Lathika, arguing, hitting her, it went to the extreme of Lathika cutting her wrist blood vein & been rescued immediately admitting her to hospital, which lead to the end of a relationship.
Fred a kind of man who would always have a answer to questions, which failed him to understand the realities, my counseling or my opinion or my suggestions were dealt with cool answers, where his coolness made me believe he is courageous, his decisions are right or else he wont get caught in tight corners.
End of the affair with Lathika had not done anything good to Fred, despite he drunk even while going to office ending up with temporary suspensions, his acquaintance with people below his esteem earned him bad reputation with his colleagues.
It was cool December evening, one of my friend accused of Fred saying he drinks heavily, I said I have a strong intuition Fred is going to get caught with something serious, which cant be handled to his capacity, next morning I had a call from the hospital, Fred had met with an accident, seriously injured, had undergone a surgery in his skull, still unconscious, not known further!
I have seen characters in coma in films, doctors would ask their beloved to speak to them, I was asked so..
I shouted Fred!! Fred!! no reaction, doctors asked to slap on his chest with a sharp pain, I shouted Fred! slapping on his bear chest, his head fully shaven, his neck pierced with a tube inserted, his dad & mom frozen like statues unable to react speechless.
Months rolled, no reaction from Fred, his broad chest, arms, legs started to twist, shrink, he was not like the same old friend of mine, I started to loose my hope, I ceased visiting him, I cant bear to see him like this anymore, he was declared brain dead!
A weak after a friend of mine came running with a daily news paper! It was Fred's father, he killed himself hanging up from the ceiling, having drunk, due to his son's fate, depressed, not able to see him die before him, he is guilty of his son's situation. I went to his funeral, I did not cry, I did not visit Fred, in a month I heard Fred was no more, in front of my eyes I witnessed a family getting buried, I still don't cry, I don't believe he is dead, he lives, always in my dreams he smiles at me, he speaks coolly like he did always, having answers to questions..
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